A strong, healthy relationship can be one
of the best supports in your life. Good relationships improve all aspects of
your life, strengthening your health, your mind, and your connections with
others. However, if the relationship isn't working, it can also be a tremendous
drain. Relationships are an investment. The more you put in, the more you can
get back. These tips can help keep a healthy relationship strong, or repair
trust and love in a relationship on the rocks.
How to strengthen your
loving relationship
Everyone’s relationship is unique, and
people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that
good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy
relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy
times and sad:
What makes a healthy love relationship?
Staying involved with each other. Some
relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to
each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack
of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk
about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be
there.
Getting through conflict. Some couples
talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately
disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of
conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of
retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation
or insisting on being right.
Keeping outside relationships and interests
alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much
from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having
friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but
brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
Communicating. Honest, direct
communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel
comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are
strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or
away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to communication.
Relationship advice tip 1:
Keep physical intimacy alive
Touch is a fundamental part of human
existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving
touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood.
Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed.
Studies have shown that affectionate touch
actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences
bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners,
physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However,
intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a
relationship. Regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is
equally important.
Be sensitive to what your partner
likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important
to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching
or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and
retreat—exactly what you don’t want.
Relationship advice tip
2: Spend quality time together
Do you feel empty, disconnected, and
overstressed? If so, learn how to feel loved
instead.
You probably have fond memories of when you
were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting,
and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new,
exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs,
long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find
time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for
yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding
start to erode.
Simple ways to connect as a couple and
rekindle love
Commit to spending quality time together on
a regular basis. Even during very busy and stressful times, a few minutes
of really sharing and connecting can help keep bonds strong.
Find something that you enjoy doing
together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or
sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.
Try something new together. Doing new
things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can
be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place
you’ve never been before.
Couples are often more fun and playful in
the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can
sometimes be forgotten as life challenges or old resentments start getting in
the way. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough
times, reduce stress, and work through issues more easily.
Focus on having fun together
Think about playful ways to surprise your
partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite movie home unexpectedly.
Learn from the “play experts” together. Playing
with pets or small children can really help you reconnect with your playful
side. If it’s something you do together, you also learn more about your partner
and how he or she likes to have fun.
Make a habit of laughing together whenever
you can. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when you
approach them with humor.
Learning how to play again
A little humor and playful interaction can
go a long way in relieving tense situations and helping you see the brighter
side. If you’re feeling a little rusty, learn more about how playful
communication can improve your relationship, and for fun ways
to practice this skill.
Relationship advice tip
3: Never stop communicating
Good communication is a fundamental part of
a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating
well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as
you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.
Learn your partner’s emotional cues
Each of us is a little different in how we
best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound, or
touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to
learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For
example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving
mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of
tea.
So much of our communication is transmitted
by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues—such as eye contact, leaning forward or
away, or touching someone’s arm—communicate much more than words. For a
relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and
receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help
you better understand what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you
are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you say
“I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly
signaling you are not.
Question your assumptions
If you’ve known each other for a while, you
may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking
and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind reader. While your
partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to directly express your needs
to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be
what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five
years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of
expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may
lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding, and anger.
Use your senses to keep stress in check
If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t
be able to communicate effectively. The best way to reduce stress
quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person
responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are
soothing to you.
Relationship advice tip
4: Healthy relationships are built on give and take
If you expect to get what you want 100% of
a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Healthy relationships are built on compromise, and it takes work on each
person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.
Recognize what’s important to your partner
Knowing what is truly important to your
partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of
compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize
your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly compromising your
needs for others' will build resentment and anger.
Don’t make “winning” your goal
If you approach your partner with the
attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach
a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met
while you were younger, or it could be from years of accumulated resentment
building up in your current relationship. It’s all right to have strong
convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You
are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs,
and compromise when you can.
Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship,
but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard.
The goal is not to win but to resolve the
conflict with respect and love.
- Make sure you are fighting fair.
- Don’t attack someone directly; use “I” statements
to communicate how you feel.
- Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
- Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and
respect the other person.
Relationship advice tip
5: Expect ups and downs
It’s also important to recognize that there
are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page.
Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such
as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe
health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to
each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising
children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding
can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.
Relationship advice for getting through
life’s ups and downs
Don’t take out your problems on your
partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with
a lot of stress, it might seem easier to snap at your partner. Fighting like
this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your
relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.
Some problems are bigger than both of
you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person
works through problems and issues in his or her own way. Remember that you’re a
team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.
Be open to change. Change is
inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it.
Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in
any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good
times and the bad.
Don’t ignore problems. Whatever
problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important to face them together
as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply
ignore it, but instead address it with your partner. Things change, so respond
to them together as they do.
Romantic relationships require ongoing
attention
Many couples focus on their relationship
only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the
problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their
careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require
ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of
a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your
attention and effort.
If you need more
relationship help and advice
Sometimes problems in a relationship may
seem too complex or overwhelming for a couple to handle on their own. In that
case, it’s important to reach out together for help. There are a number of
options available, including:
Couples counseling. It’s a big
investment, and time, energy, focus and commitment are needed from both people
to make a difference, but you might consider couples or marriage counseling to
resolve your differences. Both parties need to be willing and able to honestly
communicate what he or she needs, face the issues that arise in counseling, and
then make the necessary changes. It’s important also that both people feel
comfortable with the counselor.
Spiritual advice. Some couples benefit
from spiritual advice from a religious figure such as a pastor or rabbi. This
tends to work best if both persons have similar convictions of faith and have a
good relationship with the spiritual advisor.
Emotional Intelligence building. Try
using Helpguide's Emotional Intelligence
Toolkit, a free utility for building emotional health and emotional
intelligence. This in-depth course provides articles, videos, and audio
meditations designed to help you put the skills of emotional intelligence and
communication into practice.
Individual therapy. Sometimes
one person may need specialized help. For example, someone who is grieving the
loss of a loved one may need counseling to help him or her process the grief.
If your loved one needs help, don’t feel like you are a failure for not
providing him or her everything he or she needs. No one can fulfill everyone’s
needs, and getting the right help can make a tremendous difference in your
relationship.
