Complaining: 6 Ways It Destroys Your Relationship

Are you a chronic complainer? Do you find yourself doing more nagging than complimenting? Is your significant other less impressed with your recent attitude? Here are six ways complaining destroys your relationship, and why you should just relax a little.

This post appeared on You Queen.

I’ll admit, I complain… sometimes I complain a little more often than others. In fact, when I think about it, there are times when I’ve been a serious nag in my relationships and have forgotten how to relax.

If you’re like I used to be, then let me tell you a little secret: Complaining will destroy your relationship. That’s right: Your constant complaining will eventually drive him away from you. Relationships are hard enough without the added stress, so here are six reasons why you should stop complaining and start complimenting instead.

#1 It’s Annoying

The first and most obvious reason that you should stop complaining is that it’s annoying. That’s right: You’re not cute when you’re bitching about everything your guy does. Even if it’s not about your guy and you’re just a chronic complainer (work, your BFF, afternoon traffic, etc.), take my word for it, it’s not cute. You’re not going to impress anybody with your attitude.

#2 You Become A Negative Person

Aside from being annoying, constant complaining actually turns you into a negative person all around. Have you ever heard of the law of attraction? Whenever you complain too much, you actually just bring in more negativity in your life. In return, you complain more. It’s a vicious cycle, really.

But the point is nobody wants to be around a person who brings them down. That kind of negativity is too much for just about anybody to handle. My suggestion instead would be to stop complaining, appreciate what you have, and then watch and see how many good things come your way.

#3 Your Partner Begins To Feel Unworthy

Another problem with constant complaining is that it makes your partner feel unworthy. That’s right, instead of making your man feel good, you’re making him feel broken and depressed. Think about it, if you’re guy was constantly complaining about every little thing, no matter how cheerful you were and how much you tried to cheer him up, wouldn’t you feel a little let down? It would be a blow to the ego not being able to make your lover happy.

If you’re a constant complainer you are dragging your guy down, and he’s going to feel the emotional brunt of it. It’s hard on a person to always hear negativity.

#4 You Miss Out On Other (Good) Things

Constant complaining is the emotional equivalent of negative reinforcement. Instead of seeing all the good things in your life or your love, you’re just focusing on the bad things. First of all, that’s very harmful to your relationship. You can’t expect anyone to feel at ease being around someone who only sees the bad in every situation, or who constantly complains about them as a person or their habits. You’re missing out on all the good things.

If you’re constantly complaining about your guy, for example, then he’s going to think you don’t actually love him and you’re really unhappy with him. Even if he’s the right guy for you and he does make you happy, any woman who constantly complains will have such a negative effect on her partner that he’ll think you no longer see the good in him (or anything else), and that will definitely have a bad impact on your relationship.

#5 It’s Exhausting

Also, it’s exhausting being around somebody who constantly complains. Have you ever tried to please someone who just refuses to be satisfied? I can tell you, it isn’t easy.

Let me give you an example. As a barista, I had this one customer who always complained about his cappuccino. If I put it in a mug, he wanted a to go cup. If I put it in a to go cup, he wanted a mug. If I asked him and he told me, then no matter what temperature I made it, it was too hot or cold, or too foamy…get my picture? He was never happy with his drink. Eventually, I became a little ruder to him whenever he placed an order, until finally I just stopped smiling and being interactive with him at all.

Did I mention he exhausted me emotionally?

Yeah, if you’re around someone who never has anything nice and pleasant to say, or who constantly complains about everything, then you’re going to be emotionally exhausted.

Now, let’s say that you’re constantly complaining about your lover. Imagine how he feels if you never have anything nice to say about him? Emotionally exhausted is an understatement.

#6 Your Partner Stops Listening To You

Complaining ultimately destroys your relationship because your partner stops listening to you. That’s right, if all you’re going to do is complain, then he’s going to find a way to tune you out and ignore you.

Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? Well, the same thing will happen in your relationship. If you’re always complaining about something, your partner will not take you seriously when there is something actually wrong and something that’s worth complaining about.

Complaining has a negative effect on everybody around you. If you’re in an office setting, constant complaining turns your work place into a place of discomfort and people will not want to be around you, which is bad enough in itself.

However, if you’re a constant complainer in your romantic relationship, then you’ll likely soon see that your guy can easily get to the point where he’s fed up and wants to be with someone a little less dramatic and a lot more laid back.

There are things you can do, of course. Instead of complaining to your guy, complain it all out to yourself in the car ride home from work, or, keep a journal that you can write out all these thoughts. Most importantly, change your habit from complaining about the bad things in your life and relationship, to saying positive things about your day. You’ll see the difference! So tell us, are you a chronic complainer?

10 Reasons Why Relationships Don't Last

WHAT HAPPENED?

We were so suited for each other, so in love, so happy together. We had so many dreams. Our first moments together were full of joy, happiness and the excitement of being close to someone who loved us and understood us. We were so sure that we would live “happily ever after.” We never thought we would arrive to this state miscommunication, misunderstanding, distancing, indifference and even competition, aggressiveness and verbal violence. What happened? How did this happen? What can we do to become as to be loving as we once were?

This post appeared on Your Tango.

SOME REASONS WHY RELATIONSHIPS DETERIORATE

1. Lack of education in effective communication. We have not been educated in how to communicate openly and honestly. 

2. Poor examples - Role models. We learn through imitation. We contain within us much more of our parents’ programming than we are aware of. We have recorded subconsciously the ways in which our parents behaved and communicated (or did not communicate) between themselves, with us and with others.

We now mechanically repeat this type of communication with our partners, children and friends. We tend to create the problems similar to those that existed in our childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative, we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, out of reaction, we may do the opposite, but this is also a programming.

If we are having communication problems with our loved one, it may be useful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may actually be simply a projection of a problem with one of our parents.

3. We do not take responsibility for our reality. Our beliefs create our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us.

It will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. He or she will just harden his stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if down inside we know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as we are being blamed.

4. We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations. We believe that the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us with what is lacking within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence and self-acceptance in all situations.

5. Fear of what the others think. We create considerable tension when we want to place limits on or seek to change our loved one’s behavior so we can be accepted by others. When we pressure a loved one to change, not because what he is doing is morally wrong, but because we need society’s approval, he or she feels we are putting others above him in our heart. We are placing our needs for acceptance or recognition above our love, acceptance and respect for our loved one and for how he or she needs and wants to function. Perhaps we should ask, “What is more important to me -this affirmation based on appearances, or maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?”

This is an especially important question for us as parents to ask ourselves concerning our children. Do we want to force our children to fit into a social mold and risk losing our communication link with them, or do we prefer to risk losing social recognition for the sake of maintaining our communication? Remember: we are not talking about sacrificing ethical values, but rather subjective and often quite superficial and materially oriented social values.

6. Lack of energy. I have seen a number of relationships fall into disharmony and even separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall to a dangerously low level causing them to become a negative element in that relationship. When we do not care for our bodies, minds and spirits, they begin to function defectively, creating negativity for ourselves and those around us. We have less clarity, less patience, less understanding for others’ needs and problems.

A person without energy is naturally ego-centered because he needs to take. He is naturally defensive because he feels he needs to protect himself. He does not feel safe. When one person in a relationship is in such a state, problems are created for everyone. When both are in this state, the relationship cannot endure.

We have an obligation in any relationship, whether it be emotional, professional or social, to offer others a being with quality. No one likes an emotionally polluted environment full of complaints, criticism, negative thoughts, negative feelings, blaming, fear, hurt, anger or depression. We would all like to live in an environment flowering with positive emotions of love, joy, laughter, pleasantness and positive thoughts and feelings.

That requires energy. We can create and maintain a high level of energy by eating properly, and practicing exercises, breathing techniques, deep relaxation techniques and positive thinking on a daily basis. We also need to get enough sleep. Vitamins may also help. For details concerning these techniques check out our web site.

7. We carry the past around within us. We do not live in the present. Throughout the years, we have formed a mental image of who the other is and now we see our image and not the person.

This image is unfortunately permeated with many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions concerning the other, which we have created, through our inner subjective beliefs and programming.

Read full article here

Over 50? 3 Reasons Men Want You More Than Ever

Dating in your 50s is different than dating in your 20s and 30s.

In fact, many baby boomer men prefer dating women around their own age over single women in their 20s. My coaching clients are all searching for love with women in their age group.

This post originally appeared on Dating Advice.

There will always be a certain percentage of men in their 50s and 60s who aspire to date a woman who is much younger.

However, the majority of senior men seek a relationship with a woman who is in their age group, hence the popularity of senior dating sites tailored to fit their needs.

Here are the top three reasons boomer men think dating women over 50 rocks.

1. Women over 50 are more self-assured

By the time a woman enters her 50s, she knows who she is and who she is not. She likes herself.

The boomer woman signals her self-confidence in her body language and personal poise. Her confidence and self-assurance are part of what makes her so hot to men over 50.

She’ll wear an alluring dress and heels, but she is no slave to the latest fashion of wearing 4-inch heels when she needs to walk a mile from the parking lot to the door.

2. Women over 50 have real relationship expectations

She’s not just looking for a husband who is only good on paper. She’s not looking for a pipe dream with a fictional sugar daddy.

She has an appreciation for what a real guy is and how he behaves. When he gets the door for her, she always thanks him. The few rare times when they are in a rush, she opens the car door for herself – no fuss, no bother.

3. Women over 50 have a life

By the time she was in her 40s, her career was established. When she’s in her 50s, her career position and stature are firmly established, and she is likely mentoring younger colleagues.

She has hobbies, interests, taste and acumen that make her an enjoyable and delectable life mate. She can laugh uproariously along with him. Her own interests add on to his.

She’s not yet an unformed woman with no lasting interests of her own. Her mind, intellect and taste are part of what makes sharing life with her so rich and delightful.

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As a single senior woman, you’ll always encounter guys who aren’t looking for a relationship and only want something physical.

But when you’re looking for a lasting relationship with a mature man, rest assured that there really are many of them out there.

Keep making the effort to meet them, and you’ll find one of the good guys and love at last.

Vital 6 Step Plan to Affair-Proof Your Relationship

The reason a man or a woman in a relationship or marriage cheats is because his or her needs are not getting met in the primary relationship.

This post originally appeared on Get Relationships Right

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Most often, these needs are emotional rather than physical. Affairs are not a way to exit a relationship or a marriage by finding a new partner. Rather, affairs are entered into in order to meet the needs that are not being met while keeping the primary relationship intact.

Some years ago author Gary Neuman wrote a book called The Truth About Cheating, where he details the research he did about why men cheat. In his research Neuman discovered that a man will most likely cheat if he feels unappreciated and unloved by his wife.

This is absolutely true, and has been one of foci of my work with clients for years. Interestingly women cheat for a slightly different reason, when their needs for connection and feeling wanted are not met in the primary relationship.

How is it that important relationship needs can go unmet in a primary relationship? 

For now let’s just say that once partners’ needs go unmet long enough, the relationship is in danger of cheating.

What can you do to affair-proof your relationship or marriage? Follow this simple yet vital 6 step plan:

1. Appreciate

For women: Appreciate what you husband or partner is doing for you, your family, and around you, regardless of what else he may or may not be doing. Tell him that you appreciate him and what you appreciate about him often.

For men: Appreciate her beauty, her body, her mind. Make her feel wanted. Make it a practice to find the things you appreciate about her and then tell her about these things often.

2. He needs to be your hero. She needs to be your queen.

This might sound incredibly corny, but if a man feels like the hero in his relationship or marriage, he will never consider cheating. Similarly if the woman feels like the queen in a relationship or marriage she will be completely devoted to her partner.

I can help you untangle your relationship situation to create an affair-proof relationship. Schedule a 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session to get started.

3. Give Respect

If there are things that bother you about what your partner is doing or not doing, how he/she is treating you or not treating you, ask for change in a loving, respectful way. Do not treat your partner as if he or she owes you something.

4. Don’t criticize

Criticism makes people feel small and ashamed, which makes them want to seek others who will make them feel good about themselves. It’s ok not to like what your partner is doing and ask for something different. But you need to do this in a way that leaves your partner intact, rather than tearing him or her down.

5. Pay attention

If your partner or you are repeatedly asking for something in the relationship and not getting it, your relationship is in trouble. It may not seem like it because men and women in long-term relationships and marriages tend to be patient. They will ask for what they need for a long time before they get fed up and head towards seeking to meet their needs elsewhere. But make no mistake – even quiet requests that go unmet for too long put your relationship in danger.

I can help you untangle your relationship situation to create an affair-proof relationship. Schedule a 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session to get started.

6. If your relationship is having issues, get help sooner rather than later.

Couples tend to wait to get help, hoping whatever trouble they are having will get better over time. Unfortunately once a relationship gets into a difficult pattern it is very unlikely to right itself without outside help. While you two are trying to see if you can work it out on your own, the negative things you do in the relationship continue to erode it.

The 6 steps of this plan are simple, but they can be difficult to apply in the face of the many triggers and set-in systems in a long-term relationship or marriage. Be aware of what’s going on in your relationship and be intentional about what you want to create in order to affair-proof your relationship.