WHAT HAPPENED?
We were so suited for each other, so in love, so happy together. We had so many dreams. Our first moments together were full of joy, happiness and the excitement of being close to someone who loved us and understood us. We were so sure that we would live “happily ever after.” We never thought we would arrive to this state miscommunication, misunderstanding, distancing, indifference and even competition, aggressiveness and verbal violence. What happened? How did this happen? What can we do to become as to be loving as we once were?
SOME REASONS WHY RELATIONSHIPS DETERIORATE
1. Lack of education in effective communication. We have not been educated in how to communicate openly and honestly.
2. Poor examples - Role models. We learn through imitation. We contain within us much more of our parents’ programming than we are aware of. We have recorded subconsciously the ways in which our parents behaved and communicated (or did not communicate) between themselves, with us and with others.
We now mechanically repeat this type of communication with our partners, children and friends. We tend to create the problems similar to those that existed in our childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative, we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, out of reaction, we may do the opposite, but this is also a programming.
If we are having communication problems with our loved one, it may be useful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may actually be simply a projection of a problem with one of our parents.
3. We do not take responsibility for our reality. Our beliefs create our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us.
It will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. He or she will just harden his stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if down inside we know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as we are being blamed.
4. We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations. We believe that the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us with what is lacking within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence and self-acceptance in all situations.
5. Fear of what the others think. We
create considerable tension when we want to place limits on or seek to change
our loved one’s behavior so we can be accepted by others. When we pressure a
loved one to change, not because what he is doing is morally wrong, but because
we need society’s approval, he or she feels we are putting others above him in
our heart. We are placing our needs for acceptance or recognition above our love, acceptance and
respect for our loved one and for how he or she needs and wants to function.
Perhaps we should ask, “What is more important to me -this affirmation based on
appearances, or maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?”
This is an especially important
question for us as parents to ask ourselves concerning our children. Do we want
to force our children to fit into a social mold and risk losing our
communication link with them, or do we prefer to risk losing social recognition
for the sake of maintaining our communication? Remember: we are not talking
about sacrificing ethical values, but rather subjective and often quite
superficial and materially oriented social values.
6. Lack of energy. I have seen a number
of relationships fall into disharmony and even
separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall to a
dangerously low level causing them to become a negative element in that
relationship. When we do not care for our bodies, minds and spirits, they begin
to function defectively, creating negativity for ourselves and those around us.
We have less clarity, less patience, less understanding for others’ needs and
problems.
A person without energy is naturally
ego-centered because he needs to take. He is naturally defensive because he
feels he needs to protect himself. He does not feel safe. When one person in a
relationship is in such a state, problems are created for everyone. When both
are in this state, the relationship cannot endure.
We have an obligation in any
relationship, whether it be emotional, professional or social, to offer others
a being with quality. No one likes an emotionally polluted environment full of
complaints, criticism, negative thoughts, negative feelings, blaming, fear,
hurt, anger or depression. We would all like to live in an environment
flowering with positive emotions of love, joy, laughter, pleasantness and
positive thoughts and feelings.
That requires energy. We can create and
maintain a high level of energy by eating properly, and practicing exercises,
breathing techniques, deep relaxation techniques and positive thinking on a
daily basis. We also need to get enough sleep. Vitamins may also help. For
details concerning these techniques check out our web site.
7. We carry the past around within us.
We do not live in the present. Throughout the years, we have formed a mental
image of who the other is and now we see our image and not the person.
This image is unfortunately permeated
with many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions concerning the other, which
we have created, through our inner subjective beliefs and programming.
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